The Red Menace

Whistle-blowing

Strange fruit and a sprinkling of abbreviations

I am the product of the cold war. I was conceived, born, brought up and, questionably, grew up during that forty plus years of confrontation. This was a time when the West faced up to the East and the East faced up to the West. It was a time of suspicion, propaganda and espionage, a time for Smiley's People - One recent rainy Sunday afternoon (and way into the evening) I re-watched all seven hours of that 1980's classic TV mini-series based on the le Carré novel of the same name, breaking only to pop more popping corn and refill my glass, but I digress.

During the 50's, 60's,70's and to some extent the 80's we in the west were constantly warned of the threat from the communist east, particularly the military, and subversive threat emanating from the then USSR. This was generally referred to as the 'Red Menace'. This term may or may not have come from a 1949 anti-communist and anti-Soviet film titled (you guessed it) The Red Menace.

Last Christmas, in one of my more contemplative moments it came to me that twenty or more years on from the breakup of the USSR the source of the red menace has flipped hemispheres and now comes from the one remaining super power!

I refer dear reader to the USA, yes that's right, the United States of America...

On Christmas day 1991 Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev declared his office extinct and resigned. Later that evening at 7:32 the Soviet flag was lowered over the Kremlin for the last time. The next day, the dissolution of the Soviet Union was finalized by a declaration of the 'Soviet of the Republics of the Supreme Soviet of the Soviet Union' (say what you want about the Soviets but they really knew how to name a committee). Is it any wonder then that the Americans chose this season to inflict on the free world their own red menace!

Red Santa: Despite the fact that the often voiced belief that Santa's red garbs came about after a certain American soft drinks company's, 1930's marketing campaign, is, undoubtedly an urban myth. To a true conspiracist, one man’s urban myth is another man's propaganda and after all they did (it is alleged) get the idea for a red Santa from Thomas Nast's illustrations of a red clothed Santa in Harpers Weekly. Nast was in his day a much feared caricaturist, his cartoons and the editorials in Harpers Weekly are both accredited for their part in 'president making'. He was the first to use the elephant as the symbol for the Republican Party. No wonder his red Santa took off!

Cranberries: Now before we go any further I want to make it clear that I don't have a problem with cranberries per se. In fact I think they are really quite a fascinating little fruit. Cranberries are apparently one of only three fruits native to North America that are grown commercially. If this is really true then it is no surprise that the USA is the world's biggest producer of these tart, ruby-red berries, and thus, the worlds biggest exporter. And that, dear reader is where I have an issue, but more of that later.

Native American Indians, as you would expect, have being making use of wild cranberries for hundreds of years. They used them as medicine to treat wounds and as a dye for rugs and blankets. They also used them in a variety of foods, not least in something called pemmican. Pemmican is a high protein mix of fruit, meat and fat. Cranberries were also used by American whalers and mariners to prevent scurvy but it wasn't until around 1816 that cranberries were successfully cultivated. Captain Henry Hall is the guy to blame. To cut this horticultural story short (this isn't GQT), this cultivation basically involved a bit of transplanting, fencing and sand spreading. Contrary to popular belief cranberries do not grow in water. This misconception probably comes from the TV adverts featuring a couple of guys crotch deep in a sea of floating berries. The flooding of the cranberry 'bogs' as depicted has apparently been the preferred method of harvesting since the 1960's. Although commercial cultivation of the cranberry grew steadily after Captain H's fifteen minutes of fame it wasn't until the 1980's that an international market for cranberries was developed. And that dear reader is where my issue begins.

Like the cola company and the red Santa thing it has become a common misconception that cranberries are a traditional accompaniment to the Christmas turkey. No No No! A tradition is something passed down from generation to generation, how many generations can anyone create since the 1980's! Cranberries are a traditional accompaniment to turkey eaten at that North American celebration of Thanksgiving not at Christmas. In fact it wasn't until the mid 19^th century that the Americans started to embrace Christmas, only becoming a federal holiday in 1870. Even today boxing day is not an official holiday in the USA. The non-traditional tradition of a cranberry Christmas was undoubtedly created by the cranberry growers marketing men and indeed they appear to have done a good job. Well, that is until the great cranberry crash of '97.

Remember dear reader cranberries are not for Christmas, cranberries are for dying blankets, treating arrow wounds and UTI's!

Pomegranates: What are they all about! As you may well have guessed unlike the afore mentioned cranberries I do have an issue with pomegranates.

What is the point of pomegranates! 'Ohhh, but those ruby red seeds look just like little jewels when sprinkled over salads, couscous and stuff,' I hear you gush. That is where you would be wrong. Yes they do look good, but dear misinformed pomegranate appreciator it's not the seeds that look good but the sarcotesta and as any botanist worth his berries will tell you sarcotesta is the fleshy coating surrounding the seed, not the seed itself. And it is that seed, dear reader, that is my issue with pomegranates.

My earliest recollections of pomegranates is as a small boy patiently picking those sacotesta surrounded seeds from half a pomegranate with a pin. The pin picking episodes always seemed to take place in the garden on a warm summers day while wearing long short trousers and short long socks. Pomegranates must have been quite exotic in those days, we are talking late 50's early 60's after all, but given this was the time of school milk and state sponsored cod liver oil I presume vitamins were to be got at any price. Just why I was exiled to the garden with my pomegranate half I'm not sure but it may have been due to the fact I was in the habit of forcibly expelling that bitter, fibrous, pinhead of a seed that lurks deep in that ruby red, juicy little sack from my mouth. My sister, who I presume was the recipient of the other half of the pomegranate doesn't feature in my garden recollections. I expect she was allowed to eat hers indoors, well been five years my senior and a 'girl' she probably wasn't a spitter.

While we have temporally drifted onto the subject of spitting I seem to recollect signs on the upper deck of double decker buses stating 'No Spitting'. I don't recollect the same sign on the lower deck. Was it all right to spit downstairs?

Back to the pomegranates. On the run up to Christmas, thinking it was somehow festive and seasonal I picked up a pomegranate, 'I don't know why, but there it is' (Harry Worth another childhood memory. I still do the window trick whenever the opportunity presents itself). But what has all this got to do with reds from across the pond, I hear you mutter through gritted teeth. Well dear reader stuck on the skin of my pomegranate was a 'Produced in the USA' sticker. Bruce Springsteen may have been born in the USA but pomegranates were most definitely not. Given as we have already discussed North America has three native fruits why would the USA want to enter the world of pomegranate production?

World domination, that's why. Give a man a pomegranate and he'll soon lose the will to live!

Pomegranates may be unique in been the only fruit where the preparation is more fun than the end result. How can picking a pomegranate with a pin be fun I hear you ask. It can't. What is fun is smacking its bottom with the back of a large wooden spoon. Halve your pomegranate around its waist, cup each half cut side down in your hand above a large bowl and give it a smacking with the spoon. Before very long the little red bits are in the bowl and you are wearing a contented smile. I defy anyone not to enjoy smacking anything round and smooth with a spoon. Next trick, fill the bowl with cold water and any inedible bits of pith that has come away through over exuberance float to the top so they can be skimmed off. Drain the juicy bits and eat.

Eat! I nibbled a few of the ruby red jewels but the old issue of the the bitter bit in the middle was still not acceptable even to my much matured taste and texture tolerance. My juicy bits were assigned to the fridge overnight while I had a think of what to do with them.

In times of stress I usually go to sleep and wake up to the shipping forecast on the bedside radio. It was while snuggled up under my duvet being warned of gales and server gales in Rockall, Bailey and Malin that I had a light bulb moment - juice the juicy bits!

The most innovative way to juice a pomegranates juicy bits is to place the the afore mentioned juicy bits in a large resealable freezer bag, lay flat (the freezer bag, not you) and roll with something cylindrical such as a wine bottle. Gently does it though, if the bag bursts you are in big trouble stain wise. After a little work we have a freezer bag with juice and seeds. Next step, snip a little off one of the bottom corners of the bag and let the juice flow into a bowl. Snip too little and the hole will soon become clogged with those pesky little seeds. If this happens do not be tempted to squeeze the bag. This will cause the equivalent to the baby boy nappy changing hazard and you will end up with a steam of juice totally out of control and squirting everywhere! After a little straining and filtering, well quite a lot actually, we have freshly squeezed pomegranate juice.

Several hours of slapping, rolling and straining and the result is two fingers of pomegranate juice in the bottom of a glass. Is it worth the effort, NO, it is NOT!

The activities of the HUAC may have long since ceased but the activities of the NSA and GCHQ have not, so having blown the whistle on the USA's red agenda I think it maybe prudent to make myself scarce. Since I don't know anyone in the Ecuadorian embassy it looks like the airport transit lounge for me!

Does Blackpool Airport even have a transit lounge?

For the curious the abbreviations used in this blog are...

GCHQ - Government Communications Headquarters

GQT – Gardeners Question Time (Radio 4)

HUAC - House Committee on Un-American Activities

NSA - National Security Agency

USA - United States of America

USSR - Union of Soviet Socialist Republics

UTI's - Urinary tract infections